Friday, August 30, 2013

Now What?

I haven't posted in a long time, partially because there hasn't been anything to update on.  We have sort of put our adoption 'on hold'.  When I say that people kind of turn their head sideways and have a really sad expression on their face.

We are still healing.  Yes, most days are filled with way more joy than sorrow, but this is a process.  We have asked that our profile not be shown for awhile.  I know people think that sounds crazy, that we should hurry up and do everything we can to get a kid, but we aren't.  Instead, we are falling in love with our life again.  We are focusing on school, work, family, friends, our marriage, and  a baby still.  Yes, we are still aching for a child but we want to take the time to re-examine all our options.  We are by no means closing the door on adoption, it is something that we will do, someday.  Hopefully someday will come soon, but for the time being we want to look into all the choices we have and pray for God's guidance.

Life is getting better.  I am in a new job (nannying) and Michael just got promoted at work.  Sometimes we get frustrated with ourselves, we want to be parents and we don't know what we are waiting for.  I guess, we are just waiting on God. 
I was able to re-read over our blog tonight.  It was wonderful and heart wrenching at the same time.  It was fun to reminisce some of our moments, and hard to relieve those tough nights too.  I have gotten quite good at 'moving on' but sometimes that means that I don't face the music.  I went into the nursery for the first time last week, and only lasted about 2 minutes before going back out.  That door is shut, and it has been for some time.  I desperately want to get back to the excitement I had, before our first placement, and leave this sadness behind.  I just am not sure how.  In the meantime, it has just been easier to focus on other areas in our life.  Michael getting a promotion at work was such a huge deal to me, and not for the obvious reasons.  Of course I am so stinking proud of his hard work, but at the same time it gave us a different focus.  For the first time in awhile I felt like our lives were moving forward, like at least we are excelling in some area in our life.  Might sound silly, I know, but I was getting used to disappointment that I was over the moon when he found out he got it! Those are the moments I truly thank God for.  He knows exactly how much my heart can handle (which turns out to be way more than I thought).  He is moving us out our own shadows and showing us a new light. 
I know that it is all in God's timing.  I know that my time is not God's time.  But, I also know that sometimes that isn't fun.  I am learning to 'be still', which is not easy, but needs to happen.
So, in the meantime we continue to ask for prayers.  We are praying for not just a clear direction, but for a new found hope of our future family.

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