Truth be told, I have not been loving life lately. No real shocker there, right? Last week was miserable. I felt the walls closing in, I questioned my faith, I felt stuck, helpless, mad, sad, jealous, you name it!
Then I thought about it in a new light: We found out about our sweet little girl the beginning of May. We had been expecting, planning, waiting her arrival for 12 weeks. But, how was it 13 weeks ago I was so in love with my life not even knowing when to be expecting my first child?
Let me be real, I will be grieving those 12 weeks for awhile, probably a long while. I will always wonder where she is, how her life is, and be a little sad that we were so in love with her, yet she will never even know we existed. It is heart breaking to loose a child, my FIRST child, but even through that heartbreak I have a wonderful life to fall back into whenever I am ready...and I am ready. Well, almost. Ask my husband, I will be enjoying a beautiful day then all the sudden my sadness just stops me in my tracks. But, the key is that I was enjoying a beautiful day, something I haven't done in awhile.
So, even though I am sitting here with tears in my eyes as I think about her, I still have much to be grateful for. My husband is amazing. I think that has become quite clear. Our family is wonderful. Our parents, siblings, nephews, grandparents, etc. have just been so good to us. Our friends have blown us away with their support. Our sweet pups have been giving me extra loving. I have found such comfort in those who have lost a child (in whatever way) and even though their hearts ache for the ones they lost they are over the moon in love with the child(ren) they have been blessed with. That will be us, someday. And finally, I am able to look ahead and know that in whatever way, this will work out. I will be a mom & Michael will be a dad (in addition to our furry kids ;) ). It might be just right around the corner, or it could be a few more heartbreaks and years away, but either way we WILL get there.
I just have to say thanks again. You expect your family to be there in times of need, but I never realized HOW supportive they could be. And friends, good grief I just can't believe how good to us you are. I am truly, full heartedly so thankful for the friends we have in our life in this moment. Amazing. These last few weeks have really solidified our friendships and we could not be more thankful for the people God has put in our lives these days.
Well, that is kind of it for now. We don't really have anything to update on adoption, just back to the waiting game and making sure we explore all of our options again.
In our lives outside of adoption, we have much to look forward too. A trip with my bro & sis coming up, concert with my aunt & uncle, a couple of good friends weddings, time with our sweet little Godson, parties and get-togethers with friends, fun events with the youth group & church...and many more I'm sure. In the meantime while we wait, we will continue to deal with our heartbreak, look ahead with excitement and trust God's timing as best as we can...and maybe enjoy a beer or two along the way. :)
One last thing, check out this song! I know it's supposed to be a love song, but we have decided it is our theme song for our baby! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA
"I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life
And I promise you kid that I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet"