Sunday, July 14, 2013

Goodbye Little One

Well, this week we had to say goodbye to our dream daughter.  Dream because, even though we felt it in our hearts she wasn't really ours.  A big part of me lost my daughter, but what is almost just as sad was that I never really had to chance to call her mine. 

So the call came on Tuesday.  I was sitting at the computer doing homework so excited that after this I have one more class then off for 6 months to be a mama.  Of course, annoyed that I am taking a Computer Applications class-totally not my thing.  At 7:30 PM on the dot-my phone rang.  Michael was on shift, but I knew it wasn't him.  Within seconds I saw it was Renee (our counselor from NightLight) and I knew exactly what she was calling for.  I answered it, and there was no small talk.  Not her usually bubbly self either.  All I said was, "Hey Renee" and without even saying hello she just said, "Do you have a minute?"  As much as I didn't want to believe it, I knew why she was calling.  Things had been off with A, our birthmom, but I just didn't want to accept it.  For whatever reason as soon as Renee said that I ran into the nursery and started praying that the words she was saying just weren't true.  "I wish I wasn't calling to tell you this.  But, I just got off the phone with A...." and so it went.  Too be honest, I can't even remember our conversation.  I could hear her starting to cry while she told me the bad news.  I appreciated that she didn't even put a silver lining on it. She knew that wasn't what I wanted to hear.  I remember that I didn't say much, because a couple of times she'd ask if I was still there & if I was okay.  When I told her Michael was at the station she felt terrible.  I just asked if we could talk later because I wanted to get a few dreaded phone calls over with so I could sort through my emotions. 

I called Michael, of course he was cooking dinner and didn't answer.  I called him on the stations line, which I never do.  He answered and before I told him he just asked me to hold so he could answer it privately...He knew what was happening.  As I told him A backed out, I realized telling him was far worse then hearing the news myself.  It didn't help that he was at work.  Thank God though, truly, that he works at such an amazing dept with such awesome guys.  Within an hour (much less I'm sure, I just can't remember) he was home.  Another firefighter heard the news, dropped what he was doing and came into work at 8 at night so Michael could come home. 

It just was crappier from there.  I wanted to call and tell our moms before he got home, because once he was home I just wanted to be alone with him.  Telling them was hard, it still is hard.  They were so excited to have a granddaughter and it still breaks my heart that it is not happening right now.  After Michael got home we went through every emotion-literally.  The next morning we decided it was TOO hard to keep telling individual people and sort of took the easy way out and put in on facebook.  I feel bad that is the way so many of our loved ones found out, but we just couldn't keep reliving it over and over.  Plus, people want answers or explanations, and we don't have any.  I don't know what happened.  But, I do know that this broke A's heart.  She loved us, and we loved her.  But, this is where our journey with her ends.

I appreciate everyone just kind of giving us some space the first few days, it was exactly what we needed.  I have learned this week though-how amazing our friends and family are.  The emails, calls, texts, gifts, etc. were literally nonstop.  It was so good to be surrounded with such love. We started to get back into the swing of things.  Michael went back to work yesterday and I go back to the family I am nannying tomorrow. We went out to dinner with some friends (it was nice to just feel normal) and saw some family.  Sometimes all I want to do is talk about this, and sometimes all I want is to move on and just not even bring it up. 

I know lots of people are wondering what is next.  Sort of hard to think about, but someday this will get better.  Renee has called several times this week and started telling us stories of others she's helped through this exact thing.  It's always nice to know people can really relate.  She gets it.  She understands that we are more cautious now than before. But without a shadow of a doubt, she believes that someday, maybe months maybe years, we will look back at this time and yes still be sad, but be thankful that it led us to the right baby. 

We don't know what we are doing.  Well, as of now, nothing.  Doing nothing but healing and moving on.  I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know when or if we will get a child, or how they will come to us.  I don't know if we want to look into an older child, or try this again, or anything.  I don't know about continuing with school now, still taking a break, etc.  This last week we have done nothing productive, and it was just what we needed.  Grandpa texted me and said to just let the world spin around a few times.  Let our souls heal. We have been.

I do know, that no matter what, I am happy with family.  Even if MY family is just my husband & I and our sweet little pups.  That will be enough for me.  Of course, there is an ache in my heart that longs for a child and someday they will come.  But, in the mean time my husband is my rock and God will continue to take care of us, just as He always has.  God is good, even when sad things are happening.

'Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will."' John 13:7.

1 comment:

  1. It's so good that you know Jesus. He will get you through this. You're so right to just focus on living and healing right now. Don't be surprised when those unexpected feelings of grief suddenly pop up anytime within the next year. Just tell yourself, this is normal. Grieving is hard work, but will get you through to healing and strength. Then you'll be stronger for others around you, too. God bless you