Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

Someday, when you are old enough, I hope you read this.  I hope when you do it surrounds you with the deepest possible kind of love because you will know that your daddy and I literally went to the ends of the earth to get you. 

You are the most wanted little one.  I have no idea when you will get here, but your daddy has had your room ready for 3 months now.  We have been trying to have you for 3 1/2 years at this point, and there isn't really an end in sight yet.  Although those years have been filled with many happy and loving memories, they also have been tough not having you yet.  I do not understand why we must wait, wait, wait.  I do not get why we must go through such heart ache to bring you into our family.  There is a lot I don't understand about why it is such a challenge for me to become your mommy.  But, God is good even when bad things are happening.  Maybe that's why we struggle, so you can learn that even when we don't understand, God does.  I want you to know that despite what other's believe you can feel and be upset with the world, with God, with situations when things that seem like they would be perfect for your life- aren't happening.  God loves you and I love you and understand. 

I want you to know that your daddy has a strength most other men don't, and it's not because he's a fireman :) He has learned how to comfort me while we wait for you.  He has taught himself to be strong for me even when his heart is aching for you.  He is a real hero, but you probably will know that by the time you can read this.  I want you to know that your daddy and I are so in love with each other, and a big part of that is because of you.

I just never want there to ever be a doubt in your mind about how much we love you or how long we have been trying for you.  The day I first hold you in my arms will be the greatest day of my life. 

When you are learning how to ride a bike, leave for your first sleep over, want to go on your first date, be patient with me.  I have yearned to hold you in my arms for so many nights that it will be hard for me when you are wanting to go.

Just no matter what, know that from the deepest parts of my soul, you have made your dad and I whole.  You are our dream come true.  Even when you're crying and waking me up at all hours, the first time you're in time out or when you grow up and are mad and we're fighting I will think back to these lonely nights and smile, because happy or mad, we will have you.

Just know, little one, that you are loved.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Back In The Game..

Well, we are back in it.  Waiting & praying, but this time we have a few more options.  There's foster to adopt, private adoption & embryo adoption, all of which we are re-exploring.  Either way there's still a lot of waiting & praying involved....and fundraising.  With our first birthmom, we found her on our own so it was significantly less expensive.  The rest of our options, we still have a ways to go to get to our goal.

Our hearts still ache for the daughter we lost but the last few days we have had comfort and a renewed sense of hope.  We know we are going to get a kiddo one way or another and we are excited to be exploring ALL of our options again. 

In the meantime, we just ask for continued prayers that we continue to heal and are able to look ahead to the future.

We are going to keep going with the baby bottle fundraiser, since that was an easy and successful one! We have more baby bottles, if you are interested in one or in passing a couple out, please let us know! Everyone's spare change has gone a really long way.

Also- if you are a coffee drinker check out:  

And we have to say thanks again.  To whoever at the Fire Dept. gave us the giftcard: THANK YOU! So generous!! And to Jon & Sarah for all of their support while we explore more options and really just to ALL of our family & friends who have been hurting with us, cheering us up, and still rooting for us: We appreciate you all so much. It has been so nice getting back into the swing of things. We got to go to a friends BBQ (where we were shown even more love & support) a FUN concert with my aunt and uncle...Everyone has just been so good to us and helping us move on and be happy, I just hope you all really truly know how much it means to us.


Friday, July 19, 2013

I Just Haven't Met You Yet...

Truth be told, I have not been loving life lately.  No real shocker there, right? Last week was miserable.  I felt the walls closing in, I questioned my faith, I felt stuck, helpless, mad, sad, jealous, you name it!

Then I thought about it in a new light: We found out about our sweet little girl the beginning of May.  We had been expecting, planning, waiting her arrival for 12 weeks.  But, how was it 13 weeks ago I was so in love with my life not even knowing when to be expecting my first child? 

Let me be real, I will be grieving those 12 weeks for awhile, probably a long while.  I will always wonder where she is, how her life is, and be a little sad that we were so in love with her, yet she will never even know we existed.  It is heart breaking to loose a child, my FIRST child, but even through that heartbreak I have a wonderful life to fall back into whenever I am ready...and I am ready.  Well, almost. Ask my husband, I will be enjoying a beautiful day then all the sudden my sadness just stops me in my tracks.  But, the key is that I was enjoying a beautiful day, something I haven't done in awhile.

So, even though I am sitting here with tears in my eyes as I think about her, I still have much to be grateful for.  My husband is amazing.  I think that has become quite clear.  Our family is wonderful.  Our parents, siblings, nephews, grandparents, etc.  have just been so good to us.  Our friends have blown us away with their support.  Our sweet pups have been giving me extra loving.  I have found such comfort in those who have lost a child (in whatever way) and even though their hearts ache for the ones they lost they are over the moon in love with the child(ren) they have been blessed with.  That will be us, someday.  And finally, I am able to look ahead and know that in whatever way, this will work out.  I will be a mom & Michael will be a dad (in addition to our furry kids ;) ). It might be just right around the corner, or it could be a few more heartbreaks and years away, but either way we WILL get there. 

I just have to say thanks again.  You expect your family to be there in times of need, but I never realized HOW supportive they could be.  And friends, good grief I just can't believe how good to us you are.  I am truly, full heartedly so thankful for the friends we have in our life in this moment.  Amazing.  These last few weeks have really solidified our friendships and we could not be more thankful for the people God has put in our lives these days.

Well, that is kind of it for now.  We don't really have anything to update on adoption, just back to the waiting game and making sure we explore all of our options again. 

In our lives outside of adoption, we have much to look forward too.  A trip with my bro & sis coming up, concert with my aunt & uncle, a couple of good friends weddings, time with our sweet little Godson, parties and get-togethers with friends, fun events with the youth group & church...and many more I'm sure.  In the meantime while we wait, we will continue to deal with our heartbreak, look ahead with excitement and trust God's timing as best as we can...and maybe enjoy a beer or two along the way. :)

One last thing, check out this song! I know it's supposed to be a love song, but we have decided it is our theme song for our baby!

"I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life
And I promise you kid that I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet"

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Goodbye Little One

Well, this week we had to say goodbye to our dream daughter.  Dream because, even though we felt it in our hearts she wasn't really ours.  A big part of me lost my daughter, but what is almost just as sad was that I never really had to chance to call her mine. 

So the call came on Tuesday.  I was sitting at the computer doing homework so excited that after this I have one more class then off for 6 months to be a mama.  Of course, annoyed that I am taking a Computer Applications class-totally not my thing.  At 7:30 PM on the dot-my phone rang.  Michael was on shift, but I knew it wasn't him.  Within seconds I saw it was Renee (our counselor from NightLight) and I knew exactly what she was calling for.  I answered it, and there was no small talk.  Not her usually bubbly self either.  All I said was, "Hey Renee" and without even saying hello she just said, "Do you have a minute?"  As much as I didn't want to believe it, I knew why she was calling.  Things had been off with A, our birthmom, but I just didn't want to accept it.  For whatever reason as soon as Renee said that I ran into the nursery and started praying that the words she was saying just weren't true.  "I wish I wasn't calling to tell you this.  But, I just got off the phone with A...." and so it went.  Too be honest, I can't even remember our conversation.  I could hear her starting to cry while she told me the bad news.  I appreciated that she didn't even put a silver lining on it. She knew that wasn't what I wanted to hear.  I remember that I didn't say much, because a couple of times she'd ask if I was still there & if I was okay.  When I told her Michael was at the station she felt terrible.  I just asked if we could talk later because I wanted to get a few dreaded phone calls over with so I could sort through my emotions. 

I called Michael, of course he was cooking dinner and didn't answer.  I called him on the stations line, which I never do.  He answered and before I told him he just asked me to hold so he could answer it privately...He knew what was happening.  As I told him A backed out, I realized telling him was far worse then hearing the news myself.  It didn't help that he was at work.  Thank God though, truly, that he works at such an amazing dept with such awesome guys.  Within an hour (much less I'm sure, I just can't remember) he was home.  Another firefighter heard the news, dropped what he was doing and came into work at 8 at night so Michael could come home. 

It just was crappier from there.  I wanted to call and tell our moms before he got home, because once he was home I just wanted to be alone with him.  Telling them was hard, it still is hard.  They were so excited to have a granddaughter and it still breaks my heart that it is not happening right now.  After Michael got home we went through every emotion-literally.  The next morning we decided it was TOO hard to keep telling individual people and sort of took the easy way out and put in on facebook.  I feel bad that is the way so many of our loved ones found out, but we just couldn't keep reliving it over and over.  Plus, people want answers or explanations, and we don't have any.  I don't know what happened.  But, I do know that this broke A's heart.  She loved us, and we loved her.  But, this is where our journey with her ends.

I appreciate everyone just kind of giving us some space the first few days, it was exactly what we needed.  I have learned this week though-how amazing our friends and family are.  The emails, calls, texts, gifts, etc. were literally nonstop.  It was so good to be surrounded with such love. We started to get back into the swing of things.  Michael went back to work yesterday and I go back to the family I am nannying tomorrow. We went out to dinner with some friends (it was nice to just feel normal) and saw some family.  Sometimes all I want to do is talk about this, and sometimes all I want is to move on and just not even bring it up. 

I know lots of people are wondering what is next.  Sort of hard to think about, but someday this will get better.  Renee has called several times this week and started telling us stories of others she's helped through this exact thing.  It's always nice to know people can really relate.  She gets it.  She understands that we are more cautious now than before. But without a shadow of a doubt, she believes that someday, maybe months maybe years, we will look back at this time and yes still be sad, but be thankful that it led us to the right baby. 

We don't know what we are doing.  Well, as of now, nothing.  Doing nothing but healing and moving on.  I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know when or if we will get a child, or how they will come to us.  I don't know if we want to look into an older child, or try this again, or anything.  I don't know about continuing with school now, still taking a break, etc.  This last week we have done nothing productive, and it was just what we needed.  Grandpa texted me and said to just let the world spin around a few times.  Let our souls heal. We have been.

I do know, that no matter what, I am happy with family.  Even if MY family is just my husband & I and our sweet little pups.  That will be enough for me.  Of course, there is an ache in my heart that longs for a child and someday they will come.  But, in the mean time my husband is my rock and God will continue to take care of us, just as He always has.  God is good, even when sad things are happening.

'Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will."' John 13:7.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Getting Ready!

Last time I was so excited to post that we are having a girl, I forgot to add some cute pictures...
 A BIG thanks to my friend Heather, for making this super cute cake!

 Think these grandmas are excited, or what? This is the first granddaughter for them both!

Technically, there are 72 days until our daughter's due date.  Technically.  It sounds like she will be early! She is measuring big too- 3 pounds 1 ounce at our last ultra sound which was a week ago.  She has gotten so big that you can't see all of her in one picture! So, we are starting to think she will be coming the end of August.

Time is just passing by so quickly.  On one hand, I am getting more and more excited.  I can't believe how soon until we are parents.  Just the thought overwhelms me with a joy that I cannot quite put into words.  On the other hand, it makes me nervous.  We feel like she is our daughter.  In our hearts, she already is.  But, legally, she is not.  Her birth will be a stressful, overwhelming, and exciting time.  Part of me is just ready to skip past all of that and be home with my husband and our daughter, giving her the best life we possibly can.  So, the next 2 months we will stay as busy as we can having fun to try and take our mind off of the nerve-racking part and focus on only the good!  My heart breaks for our birthmom though, and the closer we get in our relationship and the closer the time comes the more it breaks for her.  She knows she is doing the right thing, but she just loves this baby so much that it gets hard for her.  So, lots and lots of prayers for her please.  She needs all of the strength and comfort she can get during these last 2 or so months. 

Here's Mike building her dresser (with Kaden's help!)



AND-for my family and friends who are far is the nursery!

Michael gets ALL the credit for this nursery!! He worked so stinking hard.  I dreamt up what I wanted in my head and he somehow made it happen! Well most of it. My mom & sister bought some cute things too! Either way, I think the room is darling and I can't wait for her to get here!
An update on fundraising: We are not having the adoptionpalozza, for 2 main reasons. 1-it was asking A LOT from  A LOT of people. 2- We are almost where we need to be! How exciting is that?! We are still doing our baby bottle fundraiser and we feel that between that and us saving our money we will be right where we need to be! BABY BOTTLE FUNDRAISER has so far brought in $798.51!!! HOLY MOLY!! Thank you all SO SO SO MUCH!
When I think about how we are going to be able to adopt without any debt, I just can't wrap my brain around it.  You all are so amazing and so generous-thank you!
As always, thanks for all of the ongoing prayers, love & support!