I've spent the better part of Michael's shift at the fire dept. (48 hours) sort of lost. Lost in prayers, worries, hopeful moments, etc. I have spent this evening and last reading other blogs, posts, articles and stories from other adopting hopefuls and already together forever families and I noticed they all have the same theme: joy.
Now, don't get me wrong, this has been a very joyful journey. Too be honest, almost all of the time I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I'm grateful for a husband who believes in adoption with his whole heart and for two sides of one wonderful family that support us with everything they can. We've been surrounded at work, church, home, friends literally every aspect of our life with people who support, pray and hope for us. Most importantly I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is leading us in a way that I have never been led before. (Probably because I've been too busy making my own plans over following His.) And as much as I have learned and experienced through this process, it has been far from easy. Yes there is joy in the journey, but there is also a lot of frustrations and heartache.
I am so happy we are adopting. I always ALWAYS wanted to adopt and people who have known me my whole life can confirm it. This is what God wants from me, from us. I know that God led me to my husband because we are meant to grow our family through adoption. But again, this isn't always sunshine and gummy bears. In fact, some days it is just plain hard. This all gets me back to my original point. Everything I've read is all happy-go-lucky. While it is SO SO important to love this process and be hopeful for the outcome, I think it is also important to shed light on the truth that this isn't easy.
Too be honest, I am tired. We've been trying to grow our family for 3 years. As much as I am happy to see loved ones have children, it isn't always easy. It's tough to watch other people, in whatever manner, get something you have been trying to get. It is hard to see people promote abortion, when couples like us are doing everything we can for a baby. It's tiring to hear people complain about little things when we are praying for those things. I cannot wait for the day that I am exhausted because my little one isn't sleeping, instead of being exhausted from navigating this path, explaining, coping, learning and understanding the mounds of paper work, meetings, crunching budgets and numbers to make ends meet so we can go on to the next step and classes. I think about the first night with our baby when I am awake at all hours caring for this child of God, instead of losing sleep wondering if I turned everything in, how long the CBI will take, and how long really honestly we will be waiting to be matched with our birthmom.
I know with my whole heart I will be a mom. I know that God knows exactly who that will be, when, and how my family will grow. But at this point in our life, God knows, not me and that is a hard thing to cope with at times. Yes, I trust Him with everything but I also feel like He hears my cries and feels my sorrow when my heart is heavy. And boy oh boy these last 2 days I have sure kept His ears full.
The point of this post is to NOT gain sympathy. In fact, please don't be offended if next time we chat I sort of brush this whole post off. It is to be honest. Just to simply let it be known that while I trust God and celebrate with Him I also believe He mourns with me through the nights where I am here waiting. And to let people know that just like everyone else, we are just normal people. That if little fragile hearted me can walk blindly by faith that anyone can. You don't have to be strong, rich or have it all figured out to adopt. You just have to simply trust God and wait.
One last piece, this song really sums it all up. I know I've played it for several people already, but you might want to give it a listen:
Wait, I lied. One more last little piece. Thanks to my mother in law, Sandy for pushing me to start a blog. The more I do this to keep others in the loop and to help share adoption, the more I am learning that this is just another way for me to navigate my feelings and to someday be able to share them with our child. So, even though this started out for Sandy and the many others who wanted better updates, it has turned into a great resource for me.
Lots and lots of love.