Monday, September 23, 2013

Wise Words

Church a couple weeks ago was about hate. Say what? In fact it was about hating everything: family, spouse, ourselves-you name it; any and everything except Christ. In Luke 14:26 Jesus says, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters-yes, even their own life-such a person cannot by my disciple."  A bit radical there, Jesus.  But He has a point to make.

Then, the following week I was talking to my sister-in-law, Sarah, about wanting a baby so dang bad.  She said something along the same lines (less radical!) but still that above all else I need to want Christ. Yep, even more than I want a baby. Of course, she offered lots of support along with it, but that is what stood out the most to me.  That, is the point Jesus is trying to make in my life.

Seems to be a theme the last couple of weeks.  Just looking back at those days just two weeks ago and hearing the same message from two different places (and Sarah goes to a different church, so she didn't hear it at Zion) makes me again see Christ at work in my life. 

This last week, I have had a peace.  No, I am not hating everyone and everything in my life, I am simply spending as much time (and hopefully more) praying, begging, etc. for a stronger faith as I am for a baby.  Wow, what a difference it makes.

I wasn't sure about sharing all of this because I never want to offend or step on anyone's toes.  But, I realized that a few months ago it was really clear how God was opening doors for us.  Everything seemed to fall into place and it was clear to see Jesus working in my life.  These days, as things have been more of a struggle, it was so nice to see God still working in me through others.  It was just a reassurance that whether I like it or not, I am right where I am supposed to me.  God has a plan for my life and He is teaching me while He comforts me.  Talk about having peace.

....Now if only THIS season of waiting could be over...

Wednesday, September 18, 2013


"But for that very reason I received mercy, so that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display the utmost patience, making me an example to those who would come to believe in him for eternal life" (I Timothy 1:16).

On Sunday during church, I have no idea way, but during the Epistle Lesson this verse just stuck out to me.  It wasn't even what the sermon was about, but the last few days I have not been able to get this verse out of my mind.

I'm ready to do away with the walking on eggshells.  Not so much for myself, but everyone around me.  Yes, I still have rough days, but I am healing and happy again.  Last night I was running errands with my mom and I told her how before we were matched there was this excitement of what's coming.  We had no idea when we would find a birthmom, but everyone around us was just thrilled with us.  We were always picking up little baby things, day dreaming about life with a child, etc.  Since our placement has fallen through all of that wonder, hopefulness and daydreaming has been replaced with fear, sadness and especially eggshells.  I told my mom how Michael and I are trying to go back to that innocence.  In every possible way, that is where we are.  We don't know what's to come, we don't know when we'll have a baby, but I want that hope and excitement again.  Too my surprised, my mom said, "I'm so relieved!  I see baby stuff all the time I want to pick up but I didn't know if it would be too hard on you or make you sad."  Eggshells.  Well, just as I told my mom last night I am telling everyone now: We are OK!  As I said, some days are a struggle but most of the time we are trying to daydream about our future and pray with hopeful (rather than sad) hearts.  God is good and good things ARE coming our way. 

"Jesus Christ might display the utmost patience, making me an example..."  I could be totally off here, but I left church a little disgruntled with God over making this verse stand out to me.  At one point I remember looking up at the sky and saying, "I don't want to be an example...especially not of patience..."  But, I do.  I do not mean to toot my own horn here, in fact as I write this I am becoming more and more uncomfortable.  I just have found a little teeny tiny piece of understanding in that I have had more people talk to me the last 11 months about my faith than ever before in my life.  This adoption journey, the ups and downs and in-betweens, has given me a platform to share God's grace, love and yes patience, in my life.

How in the world can I be doing OK? Yes, I have had someone ask that...and here is why:

I have been blessed.  Michael and I have amazing parents, grandparents, extended family, some of whom are like a second set of parents, (Yes G & G Spiva I mean you! :) ).  We have siblings that are some of our best friends, adorable nephews, a Godson who we adore, good jobs where we are surrounded with people who care not just about the work, but us, the greatest friends ever, sweet pups...the list goes on and on...

So, that is why I am OK.  God has blessed us in so many other areas in our life, and we need to be doing a better job at thanking Him for that while we prayer for a child.

 I will try to continue to be honest and heartfelt in all I say, if you promise to stop walking on eggshells...

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Due Date Downer

So, tomorrow was supposed to be our due date.  It's crazy, I know for sure she is already born, we knew she was going to come early.  But, even with that in mind, just thinking of tomorrow makes me cringe. 

I really believed that by now, I would be a mom.  I saw myself exhausted after MJ's 48 hour shift, or feeling bad the pups weren't getting as much loving...I really had thought of it all.  All day with all this flooding going on I was thinking about how no matter how bad the roads were, I would have thought we'd be racing to the hospital. 

It is all bittersweet for me.  I know most everyone can understand the bitter, but the sweet?  Well, I desperately want this chapter in our life to be over.  I want to go back to my innocent excitement, before we were even matched.  My fear of the unknown but overwhelming trust in God that good things are coming our way.  So, to me, after tomorrow it is over.  It will truly be time to accept it and move on. 

Even as I sort through my emotions, I know that God is there.  I am hesitant to share these struggles because the last few weeks Michael and I have kept most of these moments private between us and God.  Which, ultimately, is right where it needed to be.  But, with that I also know that there are others in my shoes who I have never met, that follow this blog because they are close to where I am, maybe a few steps ahead or a few behind but nevertheless, this isn't uncharted territory to them. 

Regardless, God is good and He is where we should seek comfort.  He can heal me, us, and that is truly the only answer on tough nights.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Friday, August 30, 2013

Now What?

I haven't posted in a long time, partially because there hasn't been anything to update on.  We have sort of put our adoption 'on hold'.  When I say that people kind of turn their head sideways and have a really sad expression on their face.

We are still healing.  Yes, most days are filled with way more joy than sorrow, but this is a process.  We have asked that our profile not be shown for awhile.  I know people think that sounds crazy, that we should hurry up and do everything we can to get a kid, but we aren't.  Instead, we are falling in love with our life again.  We are focusing on school, work, family, friends, our marriage, and  a baby still.  Yes, we are still aching for a child but we want to take the time to re-examine all our options.  We are by no means closing the door on adoption, it is something that we will do, someday.  Hopefully someday will come soon, but for the time being we want to look into all the choices we have and pray for God's guidance.

Life is getting better.  I am in a new job (nannying) and Michael just got promoted at work.  Sometimes we get frustrated with ourselves, we want to be parents and we don't know what we are waiting for.  I guess, we are just waiting on God. 
I was able to re-read over our blog tonight.  It was wonderful and heart wrenching at the same time.  It was fun to reminisce some of our moments, and hard to relieve those tough nights too.  I have gotten quite good at 'moving on' but sometimes that means that I don't face the music.  I went into the nursery for the first time last week, and only lasted about 2 minutes before going back out.  That door is shut, and it has been for some time.  I desperately want to get back to the excitement I had, before our first placement, and leave this sadness behind.  I just am not sure how.  In the meantime, it has just been easier to focus on other areas in our life.  Michael getting a promotion at work was such a huge deal to me, and not for the obvious reasons.  Of course I am so stinking proud of his hard work, but at the same time it gave us a different focus.  For the first time in awhile I felt like our lives were moving forward, like at least we are excelling in some area in our life.  Might sound silly, I know, but I was getting used to disappointment that I was over the moon when he found out he got it! Those are the moments I truly thank God for.  He knows exactly how much my heart can handle (which turns out to be way more than I thought).  He is moving us out our own shadows and showing us a new light. 
I know that it is all in God's timing.  I know that my time is not God's time.  But, I also know that sometimes that isn't fun.  I am learning to 'be still', which is not easy, but needs to happen.
So, in the meantime we continue to ask for prayers.  We are praying for not just a clear direction, but for a new found hope of our future family.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

Someday, when you are old enough, I hope you read this.  I hope when you do it surrounds you with the deepest possible kind of love because you will know that your daddy and I literally went to the ends of the earth to get you. 

You are the most wanted little one.  I have no idea when you will get here, but your daddy has had your room ready for 3 months now.  We have been trying to have you for 3 1/2 years at this point, and there isn't really an end in sight yet.  Although those years have been filled with many happy and loving memories, they also have been tough not having you yet.  I do not understand why we must wait, wait, wait.  I do not get why we must go through such heart ache to bring you into our family.  There is a lot I don't understand about why it is such a challenge for me to become your mommy.  But, God is good even when bad things are happening.  Maybe that's why we struggle, so you can learn that even when we don't understand, God does.  I want you to know that despite what other's believe you can feel and be upset with the world, with God, with situations when things that seem like they would be perfect for your life- aren't happening.  God loves you and I love you and understand. 

I want you to know that your daddy has a strength most other men don't, and it's not because he's a fireman :) He has learned how to comfort me while we wait for you.  He has taught himself to be strong for me even when his heart is aching for you.  He is a real hero, but you probably will know that by the time you can read this.  I want you to know that your daddy and I are so in love with each other, and a big part of that is because of you.

I just never want there to ever be a doubt in your mind about how much we love you or how long we have been trying for you.  The day I first hold you in my arms will be the greatest day of my life. 

When you are learning how to ride a bike, leave for your first sleep over, want to go on your first date, be patient with me.  I have yearned to hold you in my arms for so many nights that it will be hard for me when you are wanting to go.

Just no matter what, know that from the deepest parts of my soul, you have made your dad and I whole.  You are our dream come true.  Even when you're crying and waking me up at all hours, the first time you're in time out or when you grow up and are mad and we're fighting I will think back to these lonely nights and smile, because happy or mad, we will have you.

Just know, little one, that you are loved.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Back In The Game..

Well, we are back in it.  Waiting & praying, but this time we have a few more options.  There's foster to adopt, private adoption & embryo adoption, all of which we are re-exploring.  Either way there's still a lot of waiting & praying involved....and fundraising.  With our first birthmom, we found her on our own so it was significantly less expensive.  The rest of our options, we still have a ways to go to get to our goal.

Our hearts still ache for the daughter we lost but the last few days we have had comfort and a renewed sense of hope.  We know we are going to get a kiddo one way or another and we are excited to be exploring ALL of our options again. 

In the meantime, we just ask for continued prayers that we continue to heal and are able to look ahead to the future.

We are going to keep going with the baby bottle fundraiser, since that was an easy and successful one! We have more baby bottles, if you are interested in one or in passing a couple out, please let us know! Everyone's spare change has gone a really long way.

Also- if you are a coffee drinker check out:  

And we have to say thanks again.  To whoever at the Fire Dept. gave us the giftcard: THANK YOU! So generous!! And to Jon & Sarah for all of their support while we explore more options and really just to ALL of our family & friends who have been hurting with us, cheering us up, and still rooting for us: We appreciate you all so much. It has been so nice getting back into the swing of things. We got to go to a friends BBQ (where we were shown even more love & support) a FUN concert with my aunt and uncle...Everyone has just been so good to us and helping us move on and be happy, I just hope you all really truly know how much it means to us.


Friday, July 19, 2013

I Just Haven't Met You Yet...

Truth be told, I have not been loving life lately.  No real shocker there, right? Last week was miserable.  I felt the walls closing in, I questioned my faith, I felt stuck, helpless, mad, sad, jealous, you name it!

Then I thought about it in a new light: We found out about our sweet little girl the beginning of May.  We had been expecting, planning, waiting her arrival for 12 weeks.  But, how was it 13 weeks ago I was so in love with my life not even knowing when to be expecting my first child? 

Let me be real, I will be grieving those 12 weeks for awhile, probably a long while.  I will always wonder where she is, how her life is, and be a little sad that we were so in love with her, yet she will never even know we existed.  It is heart breaking to loose a child, my FIRST child, but even through that heartbreak I have a wonderful life to fall back into whenever I am ready...and I am ready.  Well, almost. Ask my husband, I will be enjoying a beautiful day then all the sudden my sadness just stops me in my tracks.  But, the key is that I was enjoying a beautiful day, something I haven't done in awhile.

So, even though I am sitting here with tears in my eyes as I think about her, I still have much to be grateful for.  My husband is amazing.  I think that has become quite clear.  Our family is wonderful.  Our parents, siblings, nephews, grandparents, etc.  have just been so good to us.  Our friends have blown us away with their support.  Our sweet pups have been giving me extra loving.  I have found such comfort in those who have lost a child (in whatever way) and even though their hearts ache for the ones they lost they are over the moon in love with the child(ren) they have been blessed with.  That will be us, someday.  And finally, I am able to look ahead and know that in whatever way, this will work out.  I will be a mom & Michael will be a dad (in addition to our furry kids ;) ). It might be just right around the corner, or it could be a few more heartbreaks and years away, but either way we WILL get there. 

I just have to say thanks again.  You expect your family to be there in times of need, but I never realized HOW supportive they could be.  And friends, good grief I just can't believe how good to us you are.  I am truly, full heartedly so thankful for the friends we have in our life in this moment.  Amazing.  These last few weeks have really solidified our friendships and we could not be more thankful for the people God has put in our lives these days.

Well, that is kind of it for now.  We don't really have anything to update on adoption, just back to the waiting game and making sure we explore all of our options again. 

In our lives outside of adoption, we have much to look forward too.  A trip with my bro & sis coming up, concert with my aunt & uncle, a couple of good friends weddings, time with our sweet little Godson, parties and get-togethers with friends, fun events with the youth group & church...and many more I'm sure.  In the meantime while we wait, we will continue to deal with our heartbreak, look ahead with excitement and trust God's timing as best as we can...and maybe enjoy a beer or two along the way. :)

One last thing, check out this song! I know it's supposed to be a love song, but we have decided it is our theme song for our baby!

"I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life
And I promise you kid that I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet"

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Goodbye Little One

Well, this week we had to say goodbye to our dream daughter.  Dream because, even though we felt it in our hearts she wasn't really ours.  A big part of me lost my daughter, but what is almost just as sad was that I never really had to chance to call her mine. 

So the call came on Tuesday.  I was sitting at the computer doing homework so excited that after this I have one more class then off for 6 months to be a mama.  Of course, annoyed that I am taking a Computer Applications class-totally not my thing.  At 7:30 PM on the dot-my phone rang.  Michael was on shift, but I knew it wasn't him.  Within seconds I saw it was Renee (our counselor from NightLight) and I knew exactly what she was calling for.  I answered it, and there was no small talk.  Not her usually bubbly self either.  All I said was, "Hey Renee" and without even saying hello she just said, "Do you have a minute?"  As much as I didn't want to believe it, I knew why she was calling.  Things had been off with A, our birthmom, but I just didn't want to accept it.  For whatever reason as soon as Renee said that I ran into the nursery and started praying that the words she was saying just weren't true.  "I wish I wasn't calling to tell you this.  But, I just got off the phone with A...." and so it went.  Too be honest, I can't even remember our conversation.  I could hear her starting to cry while she told me the bad news.  I appreciated that she didn't even put a silver lining on it. She knew that wasn't what I wanted to hear.  I remember that I didn't say much, because a couple of times she'd ask if I was still there & if I was okay.  When I told her Michael was at the station she felt terrible.  I just asked if we could talk later because I wanted to get a few dreaded phone calls over with so I could sort through my emotions. 

I called Michael, of course he was cooking dinner and didn't answer.  I called him on the stations line, which I never do.  He answered and before I told him he just asked me to hold so he could answer it privately...He knew what was happening.  As I told him A backed out, I realized telling him was far worse then hearing the news myself.  It didn't help that he was at work.  Thank God though, truly, that he works at such an amazing dept with such awesome guys.  Within an hour (much less I'm sure, I just can't remember) he was home.  Another firefighter heard the news, dropped what he was doing and came into work at 8 at night so Michael could come home. 

It just was crappier from there.  I wanted to call and tell our moms before he got home, because once he was home I just wanted to be alone with him.  Telling them was hard, it still is hard.  They were so excited to have a granddaughter and it still breaks my heart that it is not happening right now.  After Michael got home we went through every emotion-literally.  The next morning we decided it was TOO hard to keep telling individual people and sort of took the easy way out and put in on facebook.  I feel bad that is the way so many of our loved ones found out, but we just couldn't keep reliving it over and over.  Plus, people want answers or explanations, and we don't have any.  I don't know what happened.  But, I do know that this broke A's heart.  She loved us, and we loved her.  But, this is where our journey with her ends.

I appreciate everyone just kind of giving us some space the first few days, it was exactly what we needed.  I have learned this week though-how amazing our friends and family are.  The emails, calls, texts, gifts, etc. were literally nonstop.  It was so good to be surrounded with such love. We started to get back into the swing of things.  Michael went back to work yesterday and I go back to the family I am nannying tomorrow. We went out to dinner with some friends (it was nice to just feel normal) and saw some family.  Sometimes all I want to do is talk about this, and sometimes all I want is to move on and just not even bring it up. 

I know lots of people are wondering what is next.  Sort of hard to think about, but someday this will get better.  Renee has called several times this week and started telling us stories of others she's helped through this exact thing.  It's always nice to know people can really relate.  She gets it.  She understands that we are more cautious now than before. But without a shadow of a doubt, she believes that someday, maybe months maybe years, we will look back at this time and yes still be sad, but be thankful that it led us to the right baby. 

We don't know what we are doing.  Well, as of now, nothing.  Doing nothing but healing and moving on.  I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know when or if we will get a child, or how they will come to us.  I don't know if we want to look into an older child, or try this again, or anything.  I don't know about continuing with school now, still taking a break, etc.  This last week we have done nothing productive, and it was just what we needed.  Grandpa texted me and said to just let the world spin around a few times.  Let our souls heal. We have been.

I do know, that no matter what, I am happy with family.  Even if MY family is just my husband & I and our sweet little pups.  That will be enough for me.  Of course, there is an ache in my heart that longs for a child and someday they will come.  But, in the mean time my husband is my rock and God will continue to take care of us, just as He always has.  God is good, even when sad things are happening.

'Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will."' John 13:7.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Getting Ready!

Last time I was so excited to post that we are having a girl, I forgot to add some cute pictures...
 A BIG thanks to my friend Heather, for making this super cute cake!

 Think these grandmas are excited, or what? This is the first granddaughter for them both!

Technically, there are 72 days until our daughter's due date.  Technically.  It sounds like she will be early! She is measuring big too- 3 pounds 1 ounce at our last ultra sound which was a week ago.  She has gotten so big that you can't see all of her in one picture! So, we are starting to think she will be coming the end of August.

Time is just passing by so quickly.  On one hand, I am getting more and more excited.  I can't believe how soon until we are parents.  Just the thought overwhelms me with a joy that I cannot quite put into words.  On the other hand, it makes me nervous.  We feel like she is our daughter.  In our hearts, she already is.  But, legally, she is not.  Her birth will be a stressful, overwhelming, and exciting time.  Part of me is just ready to skip past all of that and be home with my husband and our daughter, giving her the best life we possibly can.  So, the next 2 months we will stay as busy as we can having fun to try and take our mind off of the nerve-racking part and focus on only the good!  My heart breaks for our birthmom though, and the closer we get in our relationship and the closer the time comes the more it breaks for her.  She knows she is doing the right thing, but she just loves this baby so much that it gets hard for her.  So, lots and lots of prayers for her please.  She needs all of the strength and comfort she can get during these last 2 or so months. 

Here's Mike building her dresser (with Kaden's help!)



AND-for my family and friends who are far is the nursery!

Michael gets ALL the credit for this nursery!! He worked so stinking hard.  I dreamt up what I wanted in my head and he somehow made it happen! Well most of it. My mom & sister bought some cute things too! Either way, I think the room is darling and I can't wait for her to get here!
An update on fundraising: We are not having the adoptionpalozza, for 2 main reasons. 1-it was asking A LOT from  A LOT of people. 2- We are almost where we need to be! How exciting is that?! We are still doing our baby bottle fundraiser and we feel that between that and us saving our money we will be right where we need to be! BABY BOTTLE FUNDRAISER has so far brought in $798.51!!! HOLY MOLY!! Thank you all SO SO SO MUCH!
When I think about how we are going to be able to adopt without any debt, I just can't wrap my brain around it.  You all are so amazing and so generous-thank you!
As always, thanks for all of the ongoing prayers, love & support!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

It's A....


We could not be more thrilled! We have been praying for a baby girl for 3 years now! Sometimes I am still in shock, I just cannot believe it! She is due September 13th, and I could not be more excited!!!

The ultrasound was amazing.  Seeing our daughter for the first time-there just aren't words to describe it.  She is healthy and growing and very very active! That day was the most bittersweet day I have ever experienced in my life.  I was so over the moon, but at the same time it was hard to see our birthmom, A's, heart break.  She is just so amazing.  The first thing she said when we found out we're having a girl was, "Your dad is going to be so excited."  While she is sad she is still so excited for us.  Talk about love.  She loves this little girl so much, and loves us so much too.  She is giving me a family and I don't know if I will ever be able to thank her enough! 

Since then we went to lunch with A and our counselor from Nightlight.  It was really good, moving forward with openness agreements and talking about hospital time.  A asked us to be there when our baby girl is born, so that meant the world to us.

Today her & I went and got pedicures.  It was SO fun! I am serious, if we were to meet under any circumstances, we would totally be friends.  Makes our developing relationship that much easier.  After our pedis were done we sat there and talked mom to mom for almost an hour.  It was so great.  No one directing our conversation plus we know each other well enough to let our guards down.  I told her that as excited as I am, I still get nervous.  I feel like my whole world is in her hands...well her belly actually... :) She reassured me that she is not changing her mind.  She knows that this is going to be hard, it already is, but she is so positive that she is making the right choice.  She THANKED me for everything and expressed what a blessing Michael and I are to her.  I thought she was crazy.  SHE is the blessing! I felt silly when I realized she was reassuring me, so I was quick to turn it around and be sure I am reassuring her!  Such a beautiful relationship.  We talked about everything under the sun, nothing was off limits for us today.

I don't really want to go into too much more than that.  I really appreciate that while many of you are curious, you still respect our privacy.  I am blessed with parents, siblings, friends, etc who offer support but yet still realize this is our child.  I know adoption is new to so many of you, (including us!) and lots of people have lots of questions.  Most of them, I am fine answering.  I am so excited about all of this and love to share as much of our story as I am comfortable with.  But, there are things that are just off limits for us to share.  Simply because, they are not relevant.  All that matters is our daughters beautiful little story, and we are happy to share that. 

Thanks for the love!!!
Sara, Mike & our Baby Girl :)

Monday, May 20, 2013

Oh, Tomorrow

I cannot wait for tomorrow.  It will be the first day we see our baby.  I can't wait to hear her/his heartbeat.  I am hopeful we will find out the gender, but right now I don't really care if we find out.  I just can't believe I get to see my baby!

A year ago, I was wanting days to pass by simply because I wanted to get out of the hard times.  Last week, I wanted days to pass by so I could hurry up and get to tomorrow.  Tonight-I want time to stand still.  As eager as I am to see my baby, I love excitement.  I love anticipation.  I am so content to just sit here and daydream about our baby: Tomorrow it all becomes a reality. 

I am so excited to get a glimpse of our baby.  I am so interested, as I'm sure most expecting parents are, to get some idea of what they look like.  I love day dreaming ahead a couple of years-and I love that I have no idea what they will look like.  Obviously not Michael or I.  I bet they will be more beautiful than anything Mike or I could have created anyway! husband is ridiculously handsome :)

I was reading our 'Wishes for Baby" book that my sister in law made for us at my baby shower.  I love it so much!! I love that so many people are dreaming for this baby, just like we are.  It got me thinking of my own wishes for the baby too...

If tomorrow we find out we will have a daughter, I hope she has my spunk.  Yes, that comes with a little stubbornness, but I hope she is a spunky one!  I hope she cares as much about other people as my mom does....even if that means she cries as much as she does!  My mom cares (and yes worries) so much for my big bro and I.  I want my baby girl to know she is my world just like we were (and still are) my moms.  I hope she loves her family the way my mother in law does.  No matter how much time we spend together, she always wants more.  Seems like a good problem to have :) I hope our baby grows up to be like that too.  I don't care that she won't look like me.  I just hope she takes it easy on her daddy, since she would have him wrapped around her little finger.

Saw a cute little quote (Pinterest of course...) 'I don't have my daddy's eyes, I have his heart.'
If tomorrow we find out we will have a son, I hope he grows up to be just like his daddy.  Seriously. JUST LIKE HIS DADDY.  I hope he loves others the way his daddy does. And I hope he has his daddy's unwavering faith too.  I hope he has my dad's work ethic, and put his whole heart into everything just the way his Papa does.  I was just talking with my husband-and I wanted to know his wishes for the baby.  He if it is a boy he hopes he has the kindness and respect for people, like his Grandpa does.  Michael's dad is one the kindest people I've ever met, so I hope our baby boy learns that from his Grandpa too :)  Oh-and I hope he has compassion just like our Godson.  He sees the best in everything, and I hope our baby learns that from him.

That's all I have for now. 

This is a short one, because even though I have so much on my mind, I don't really have much to say.  I am just overwhelmed with excitement!

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Sensitivity 101

My darling husband pointed out to me that I can’t get frustrated with people, when I have never voiced what frustrates me. 

I LOVE TALKING ABOUT ADOPTION.  Let that be clear.  I am still in shock over something so amazing happening to me.  I can’t believe it.  I am over the moon in love with my baby.  I am excited.  I am proud.  I am a mom. Now, with that being said-there is a line of where my comfort ends. 

First, there is a time and a place.  Yes, I am an open person.  Hello, I have a blog.  Yes, there are parts of this process that are between me, Mike & Jesus.  Sometimes- that is enough.  Be okay when I respond vaguely. 

Here are the biggies I get, so I figured I should sum it all up:

I love our birthmom.  She is not giving her baby away, she is choosing adoption.  We are so lucky that she lives close to us.  We met her through a mutual friend.  She is amazing, and she is making an unbelievable selfless sacrifice.  She loves this baby with her whole heart and soul.  We are about the same age.  She talks to me quite frequently, lets us come to doctors’ visits (ULTRA SOUND NEXT WEEK!! WHOOP WHOOP!), takes excellent care of herself and our baby.  She. Is. Amazing.  Beyond that, there isn’t a whole lot I want to share.   If friends or family are asking out of love about her, I may answer more.  But, I may not.  Don’t take it personally. 

Yes, this is an open adoption.  No, we are not co-parenting.  We want our child to grow up knowing the truth.  We want them to be proud to be adopted.  We want them to love, admire and respect her the same we do.  She is giving us a family.  She is making me a mom.  She is doing the one thing that I cannot do myself.  Again, She. Is. Amazing.

Yes, we attempted to have biological kids.  No, adoption is not a second best.  I always wanted to adopt my whole life! I simply thought it was out of reach.  God has shown me otherwise.  Yes, my husband is onboard.  (I have been asked that several times-I think it’s a little weird.)  In fact, he wanted to adopt from the get-go.  He had no interest in pursuing infertility treatments, but he did it for me.  He found the agency.  This is a 50-50-100 type deal. 50% me – 50% him-- 100% God. Yes, my math is off but it makes sense to me.

Ah infertility…that is a thing of our past.  I am so BLESSED to be right where I am.  I am so happy that things have worked out this way.  I have experienced a love, devotion and commitment with my husband through this process that I would have never been able to otherwise.  I have connected with my family through our joys and sorrows in a way that would have not happened.  My faith has grown by leaps and bounds.  I have never felt God’s presence in my life as I do today, right now, always.  God has made this possible.  What a miracle.  Literally.  This has given me the platform to speak of my faith because, like me, people just can’t believe how wonderfully this is going and how it’s falling into place so perfectly.  The only explanation is: God….anyway back to that dreaded infertility word.  Yes, it is a thing of my past.  But, a very painful thing.  While I understand it led me to the biggest most beautiful blessing ever, it was hard.  Honestly, that time in our lives sucked. I prefer not to reminisce.  I like to share stories and offer support to my loved ones who struggle with it themselves.  I don’t like to talk about it with others.  I do not like to be reminded of it.  I suffered, I recovered, I found closure and I moved on.  Still, no need to remind me.  I am not lucky because I don’t have to go through a pregnancy, I am lucky to adopt though.  (Plus-the stories I’ve read of people who both adopted and had biological children-said adopting is not easier…) Please don’t say I am lucky because I am not pregnant. However, please remind me (psh like I am going to ever forget…) how lucky I am to adopt. 

Oh-here is my final big one.  Let it be known I am going to be blunt with you.  No sugar-coating here.  I realize that while this is an official match (as in Michael, myself and our birthmom) all made a commitment through the agency that this is what is going to happen, does not rule out all the what-ifs.  Well, it does for us. We are excited.  We are going to have a family.  Our baby is due in September.  Save the skepticism or what-ifs for someone else.  When I have those moments I go to Jesus and my hubby.  I do not dwell, because I believe full heartedly that this is happening.  She says it is.  The agency says it is.  We say it is.  I understand others may have their doubts-but there is no need to share them with us.  We don’t ask our pregnant friends what-ifs about their pregnancy, please don’t ask them about ours.  Ok-I’m done being mean!

In other news:
Currently: Our baby bottle fundraiser has now raised $647.60!!! That does not include the checks the that came with or any other fundraisers.  Just the baby bottle one! That is SO huge! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! They come from so many different people, and sometimes I do not always know who, so if you've given a bottle just know how much we appreciate you and your generosity!!

I'm sure they'll be more and more updates to share in the coming weeks.  In 4 short months or so our baby will be here!


Saturday, May 11, 2013


We can't hardly believe we are saying this, in fact as we told our parents, family and friends it still didn't seem real to us...


Our baby will be born in September, and we will get to take s/he home from the hospital!! We were so blessed to have met our birthmom through a friend at church.  Our birthmom, 'A' is just amazing.  If we were to meet under any circumstances, we would be friends.  I can't even put into words how highly I think of her and how much I appreciate this HUGE sacrifice she is making.  When this all starts to set in a little more I hope I am able to fully express my love for her.

We meet 'A' a couple of weeks ago.  Right from the beginning, things just clicked.  She then met with our agency a couple of times, her and I talked, and she decided she is ready to move forward with us. I still am in shock.

As things set in, we will explain more.  But for now, we are just overjoyed and are celebrating!! I LOVED seeing peoples reactions.  That has meant so much to us.

So, today (with my family) and tomorrow-I get to celebrate my first Mother's Day.  In 4 short months, I will be a mom!!

We need to again, say thank you.  I have said it before, I will say it again, and our baby will grow up knowing: God is so in control.  I have never felt so led by Him, like this, before.  This is such an amazing feeling to literally see, plain as day, God's hand at work in my life.  It is simply beyond words. 

Thanks for celebrating with us!!!


Saturday, April 20, 2013

Growing in my heart photos

I love pictures.  I never used to, until I married into the Matzke family, and it didn't become an option anymore ;).  Michael & I decided to take a few 'maternity' adoption photos.  We're expecting a baby just like other soon-to-be parents, we just don't know when!

Here are ours:

I love my husband.  Even if he thinks things might be cheesy, he'll do it for me.  Throughout this whole process he has done literally everything he possibly can (and then some more) to make me smile on the hard days, give me hope when I'm full of doubt, and has 100% kept the faith, even on days when I am lacking my own.  THANKS MJ for being so awesome!
An update on the BABY BOTTLE FUNDRAISER! We are currently at $433.83!!!  And we still know of lots of people who are filling up more! If you returned yours and want it back, please let us know.  OR if you know of anyone else to pass a bottle along to, let us know that too.  This is an ongoing thing, so there's really not a rush to fill them up.  I just can't believe how successful this has been in such a short amount of time.
ADOPTION UPDATE: We are STILL waiting to hear back from the CBI.  Can you believe it? Good grief.  Also, I was sad to hear that our social worker, Beth, left Nightlight.  She was very positive about the agency, and said she really hopes to go back but just needs more time with her family right now.  So, I've met who will be taking over our case, Cheri, and she is nice too, but I will really miss Beth.  We just hit it off so well.  In the meantime, we did get a local clearance from our PD so Nightlight can show our profile.  There was a birthmom in CO who was really considering us, but she ended up going with another family who already had a child.  At first, I was a little bummed.  But then I realized those people have been waiting, praying and wishing just like we have, so I am so excited for them and it just gives me hope for when our time comes!
One last thing: We are planning/hoping to have our ADOPTIONPALOZZA on Saturday, July 27th.  We need items for the silent auction! It can be something you made, own, etc (like a gift basket of wine & glasses, concert/sports paraphernalia, I mean anything of value) to a service offered (if you're a house cleaner, photographer, etc) that you are willing to DONATE please contact us.  Also-we would love if we could get drinks donated or if we can buy them at a discounted rate.  If you have any connections or can buy some beer and soda in bulk or would be willing to make some desserts, that'd be great.  If you are willing and able to help please let us know!  As of now, we have the location and meat donated-as far as we know.  These next couple of weeks we'd like to get somethings set in stone so we can get the word out.
That's all for now!

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Baby Shower!!

Well, it is safe to say that my baby shower FAR exceeded anything I thought a baby shower could be! Everything, literally everything, was perfect. The decorations were adorable, the food was so yummy and the table was so cute.
Yellow Lanterns (this will soon be in the nursery!

Little ducks in the water...

I made adoption quotes on signs all around the house

My sister (in law) made an adorable book where everyone wrote wishes for the baby.  Michael and I loved reading those!!!

The table was GORGEOUS! They thought of everything.  The food was all of my favorite desserts.  We had rice krispie treats with colorful sprinkles, yummy different kinds of brownies, nuts, and a make it yourself fruit pizza station with sugar cookies and AWESOME frosting! It was a big hit! Of course, there were cute little baby things all over, which I loved!

This sign was something that I made, and I hope everyone had the chance to read it.  It was just simply a 'thank you' from Michael and I.  We just are constantly overwhelmed with gratitude and I wanted everyone who came that day to know how appreciate they are!
This mom to be got to enjoy a little sangria on her special day!

We played some fun ADOPTION games too! The best one was the guess who quiz.  They were given several clues to try to guess which adopted famous person was being described.  It was really fun, and we all learned how common adoption is becoming! Then we played bingo while I opened gifts! We were soo thankful for all the gifts we received, check out how stocked up we got:
Thank you to all of these wonderful people (and those we didn't get pictures of!) for coming, giving, and celebrating with me!:

AND Especially thank you to these 3, for planning such a fun perfect day, right when I needed it the most!!!!!!!!
Adoption Baby Showers are awesome, and whichever way you become a mama, you deserve a fun filled day to celebrate while you wait for the arrival of your new little one!