Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Time Doesn't Fly

This week a year ago we were officially matched with our first birthmom!  I can't believe it's been that long.  On Mother's Day last year is when we told our families.  Time doesn't fly.

I know this is seems silly now, given our current events, but this is still a hard thing.  I often wonder where that baby girl is and how she is doing.  I still pray for her and our birthmom.  It hurts my heart that I don't know how they are.  I like to imagine that things turned out great for them, and that they are both doing well.  I think that makes it easier for us. 

Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO excited and thankful to be pregnant.  I spend many hours in my day just thinking, singing too, getting ready and saying thankful prayers for our daughter.   We are so blessed and in such an unexpected way. 

But, it still is hard sometimes.  As much as I am BEYOND grateful, I can't help but think of what life would be like with a 9 month old now.  I think about juggling a baby while being pregnant.  I look at the things I had bought for her. We were going to name her Kensington and I think how cute that both of our girl's names would have started with a K.  It's hard to keep your mind from going there. 

I am so happy to be pregnant, but it still doesn't seem real.  Yes, we are over half way there.  We know the gender, have things ready and get to see her in ultrasounds.  But, there is still a cautious excitement.  I guess I just can't believe that she's already mine.  That's not how my brain is wired to think anymore.  We had learned to take things as they come.  Enjoy the little things in each day and not dwell on what the future has in store. I never thought this would be possible and here I am updating and reading back through this crazy ride we've been on, with a growing belly and swollen feet. 

Michael and I were breaking down our last year month by month.  Sure, we have one or two that we can't even remember but for the most part we can break down big events from each month.  I've learned that time doesn't fly when you're healing. 

But, these last couple of months I've learned that time sure does fly when you're happy.  The weather is changing, flowers are blooming, and we are having a baby. 

What a difference a year makes. 

Friday, March 28, 2014

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord granted me what I asked of Him"

Wowza.  It's been a long time and I'm not sure where to start.  Since our adoption fell through here's a quick summary of what happened:

-Looked into Embryo Adoptions (still through Nightlight)
-Our sister in law had graciously offered to carry a child for us, whether it was biologically ours our adopted embryos.  This we were about to do.  Even had our first doctor's apt and a couple of meetings set up.  Then, for whatever reason, I decided I needed a little bit more time.  The main thing we learned from that experience is the love and support from our family.  Michael's big brother and sister in law were full heartedly ready and willing to carry a child for us, even though that meant putting growing their family, on hold.  What sweet love and blessings.  Even just the offer, means more to us still than we could ever say.

From that point on, we decided we needed to pump the brakes.  We wanted to give our hearts a chance to heal before jumping into another big decision.  We needed to take the opportunity to really pray about what option God wanted us to follow.  He had blessed us with so many choices, we just weren't sure which one to take.  Mostly though, we just needed a chance to breathe.  We wanted the opportunity to get refocused on our wonderful life and enjoy it.  So, we decided to wait until after the holidays and new year to make any decision. 

Then, beautifully, the decision was made for us.

A little back story.  We spent thousands and thousands of dollars on infertility treatments, only to be told time and time again that it just isn't happening.  Tons of appointments, medications, shots, MORE shots, ultra sounds, etc.  Only to realize that we just weren't going to get pregnant. 

Or so, we thought.

During our 'break' we really didn't talk much about babies, compared to the usual.  We were focused on other great things.  I went back to school, Michael worked hard and got promoted at work, we picked up house projects.  During this time, and I can only speak for myself because I don't believe the same to be true for my hubby, faith wasn't necessarily the center of my focus.  Still went to church, helped with youth group, and yes certainly still believed.  But, I felt like finally I had taken my life back into my own hands and was in control again, YAY.  Ha, but again I was wrong.

Then, right around Christmas I realized that as I took control I didn't feel the need to rely on God, let alone my husband, family or friends.  I didn't like it as much as I thought.  We (myself, Michael, God) had really gotten such a close relationship through our struggles, and I didn't like that it was slipping.  So, I started praying again.  I switched my prayers from "Please Lord, get me a baby" to "If I'm not supposed to be a mom, please fill this void in my heart" 

Anyway, Friday January 17th I felt awful.  Woke up and threw up several times.  Michael came home and assumed I was sick, again!  Happens a lot to me.  Anyway, I wanted to go to the doctor because I was convinced I had the stomach flu.  I was all ready to get drugged up and sleep the day away.  Then for whatever random reason I checked to see if we had any pregnancy tests left (that weren't expired).  Yep, just one.  Used it, and before giving in the 2 min wait yelled to Michael, "Go figure, no baby."  Went to throw it away and glanced down one more time and couldn't believe there were TWO pink lines.  The rest is kind of blur to me.  I remember standing in the bathroom crying telling Michael that I'm pregnant, and he saying "no, not possible, remember?"  So we called the dr and her knowing our history got us in right away.  The best part to me is she walks in the room and says, "Well congratulations!" and Michael's response was, "For what?"  Haha he was still in shock.

Since then we've had a few minor complications, but I was cleared from being high risk.  I am super sick most days but it'll be worth it in the end.  We are 15 weeks pregnant with a... Little GIRL!  So excited, so blessed, and still so shocked. 

There's a lot more that happened during those few months but the main point for us is this:  miracles happen.  This didn't happen because we were relaxed, we found other things to stress about.  This didn't happen because of anything we did or didn't too.  Simply put, she is our miracle baby.  And, we couldn't be more thrilled. 

Monday, September 23, 2013

Wise Words

Church a couple weeks ago was about hate. Say what? In fact it was about hating everything: family, spouse, ourselves-you name it; any and everything except Christ. In Luke 14:26 Jesus says, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters-yes, even their own life-such a person cannot by my disciple."  A bit radical there, Jesus.  But He has a point to make.

Then, the following week I was talking to my sister-in-law, Sarah, about wanting a baby so dang bad.  She said something along the same lines (less radical!) but still that above all else I need to want Christ. Yep, even more than I want a baby. Of course, she offered lots of support along with it, but that is what stood out the most to me.  That, is the point Jesus is trying to make in my life.

Seems to be a theme the last couple of weeks.  Just looking back at those days just two weeks ago and hearing the same message from two different places (and Sarah goes to a different church, so she didn't hear it at Zion) makes me again see Christ at work in my life. 

This last week, I have had a peace.  No, I am not hating everyone and everything in my life, I am simply spending as much time (and hopefully more) praying, begging, etc. for a stronger faith as I am for a baby.  Wow, what a difference it makes.

I wasn't sure about sharing all of this because I never want to offend or step on anyone's toes.  But, I realized that a few months ago it was really clear how God was opening doors for us.  Everything seemed to fall into place and it was clear to see Jesus working in my life.  These days, as things have been more of a struggle, it was so nice to see God still working in me through others.  It was just a reassurance that whether I like it or not, I am right where I am supposed to me.  God has a plan for my life and He is teaching me while He comforts me.  Talk about having peace.

....Now if only THIS season of waiting could be over...